2. Intimacy: A recent study of the problems of young priests in the first few years of their ministry lists the following: workaholism, lack of reflection, no reading habit, no renewal, absence of a contemplative attitude, ambition, seeking positions of power, misappropriation and misuse of money, alcoholism, sexual acting out, cyber sex, internet pornography, compulsive eating, inability to work in a team, impatience with accountability structures, unresolved anger, damaged self image and empty spiritual life leading to meaninglessness. Ultimately, I believe, all this has to do with the Priest’s need for Intimacy.
Priests are human. With human need for intimacy, friendship and connectedness. To some extent this need is met by institutional structures. But institution cannot really substitute the human and the spiritual. This is particularly true of diocesan priests who are required at times to be alone in some very remote places, without any companionship of fellow priests. Religious Priests, because of their strong bonds in community may not feel this gnawing loneliness which these others feel. Who is there for me? Who is there whom I can call my own? Who is there for me to cherish? Who is there to protect me? To care for me? To be at my side in fair weather and foul? Of course they belong to the Diocese. They know all about “unum presbyterium”. But in practice, to whom do they really belong? To whom can they really go? These are some of the questions that spontaneously arise in the hearts of priests who are assailed by loneliness.
Loneliness, as opposed to solitude, is the corroding feeling of emptiness, meaninglessness, lack of self worth and of being abandoned, of being out place, unwanted, unaccepted, unappreciated. When we do not have a sense of belonging, when we do not truly feel free, secure, loved, wanted, respected, accepted, appreciated, needed, we are lonely. We have a deep need to feel safe, secure, warm, comfortable, free to be ourselves, feeling secure enough to express ourselves in friendship and affection. When God said, “It is not good for man to be alone” He meant that we are by our very nature made for intimacy and communion. When Adam exclaimed: “At last flesh of my flesh; bone of my bone”, he was not referring primarily to sexual attraction, but psychological comfort, human completion, sexual complementarity, emotional connectedness, moral security, social ease and material sufficiency.
We go through life lonely, feeling alone, abandoned and searching for a home. We deeply long to find someone who will understand us, accept us as we are, appreciate us, respect us, love us. We look for someone with whom we can feel safe, secure and serene. Gradually we begin to yearn for a more personalized connectedness, where safety and security comes from the sense of being accepted, appreciated, and affectionately cared for. We face numerous problems related to relationships. We must acknowledge and accept that this deep urge for friendship, companionship, connectedness and communion is placed there by God Himself whose plan it is to build us into a community, the Body of Christ. Therefore, it is God’s will and God’s plan that we must live in intimacy. The sexual dimension of our being is precisely the gift of God for this purpose of pulling us out of our selfishness and pushing us towards other people with whom we can establish intimate companionship leading communion and community. We need to have deeper relations that go beyond our roles and functions. We need to tear off our masks and be authentic and transparent, “naked” before one another. But this by itself will not necessarily lead to intimacy. We need to choose healthy ways of expressing our need. We need to establish growth producing relationships and friendships in genuine and healthy intimacy.
“Intimacy” is a word that creates uneasiness. We know that intimacy is essential for human growth. Intimate human friendships are essential for psychological maturity. Great saints and mystics have had intimate friends. They were not afraid or ashamed of intimacy. But we feel uneasy with “Intimacy” mainly because we confuse that word with physical, genital or erotic expressions. Benedict XVI in his encyclical “Deus Caritas Est” has assured us that even “Eros” is God’s creation. But still we feel uneasy. But we need to gradually move towards Agape by means of Renunciation, Suffering, Sacrifice, Surrender and Service. For us celibate priests, intimacy means psychological and emotional closeness. Intimacy without physical or genital gratification is ennobling, enriching and empowering. Physical and genital gratification without true and selfless intimacy is degrading, diminishing and damaging. Healthy intimacy has to do with transparency and self disclosure. Ability to open oneself totally to another, letting the other into the inner sanctuary of one’s own private, personal self and receive acceptance, appreciation and respect in return.
Intimacy is the hall mark of Christian life. As Christians we are called to experience ourselves as the beloved of God and to embrace others just as we ourselves have been so intimately embraced by God. WE experience and reveal God as love only through one another. Intimacy needs inner strength that will enable us to draw closer to others, reveal ourselves to others, and commit ourselves to long term relationships, without sacrificing our own individuality or personal integrity.
As Gregory the Great says: “The pastor must be pure in thought, exemplary in actions, discrete in his silence and effective in his words. He should be close to all in his compassion. Above all he must be dedicated to contemplation. He should be the humble friend of all who do good. He should be inflexible in his opposition to all vices. He should neither neglect interior life through external preoccupations nor give up external needs through solicitude for interior good.” I think this is a very balanced and very comprehensive summing up of what I am trying to say. Our human needs, drives, impulses and instincts are legitimate. They need to be recognized, accepted and fulfilled. The human should not be sacrificed at the altar of the spiritual or the supernatural.
We must remember that celibates are also sexual. They have a real need for intimacy. This need needs to be met in an appropriate, healthy and fulfilling way. In Pastores Dabo Vobis, John Paul II says that the priest is called to be a man of communion who will build community wherever he goes. Therefore the priest himself needs to be deeply human, caring, affectionate and tender. Affective emotional and sexual maturity in priests is very important. The scandals we have heard about in the west which are also not uncommon in India are mainly due to immaturity in this area. Just because we are ordained we do not cease to be men of flesh and blood. Ordination does not take away our emotionality and our sexuality. Our instinctive impulses and our affective nature remain intact. We need to be vigilant over our body and emotions. But we should not run away from affection and tenderness. We need to be prudent in our relationships and strong enough to renounce everything that is contrary to our priestly identity. But we should not cut ourselves away from the challenges of deep human relationships.
Some of the ways in which priests can preserve their celibacy and at the same time fulfill their need for intimacy is through priestly fraternity, community companionships, healthy relationships, loving service, caring for the wounded, spiritual direction, priestly asceticism, readiness to make sacrifices and especially the sacrament of penance. Self knowledge, self acceptance and self gift are three important aspects of priestly celibacy and celibate intimacy. Acknowledging, accepting and expressing healthy emotions in human relationships are very important helps to emotional maturity.
When such a maturity is absent then problems like alcoholism, sexual irresponsibility, loneliness etc arise. We have to own up our need for intimacy and find healthy ways of meeting that need within the parameters of our celibacy. Let there be friendship! Let there be intimacy! Keep everything within the limits of celibacy! Exercise self discipline. Respect boundaries. Make sacrifices. Celibacy does not mean that we must kill our emotions. If we become cold and unfeeling ice boxes we cannot witness to the truth that God is love. On the contrary, if we are warm, tender and affectionate, we become eloquent witnesses to the power of God’s love which transforms life.
Let me quote Pope John Paul II once again: “In our times we need heralds of the Gospel who are experts in humanity, profoundly knowing the hearts of modern men and women, priest who share their joys and sorrows, hopes and fears with them and at the same time are contemplatives who are in love with God.” I think the great Pope has addressed already the question of spirituality for a priest that will help him live his celibacy faithfully while satisfying his need for intimacy constructively. So let us then go to the third and the last point of this paper.
Priests are human. With human need for intimacy, friendship and connectedness. To some extent this need is met by institutional structures. But institution cannot really substitute the human and the spiritual. This is particularly true of diocesan priests who are required at times to be alone in some very remote places, without any companionship of fellow priests. Religious Priests, because of their strong bonds in community may not feel this gnawing loneliness which these others feel. Who is there for me? Who is there whom I can call my own? Who is there for me to cherish? Who is there to protect me? To care for me? To be at my side in fair weather and foul? Of course they belong to the Diocese. They know all about “unum presbyterium”. But in practice, to whom do they really belong? To whom can they really go? These are some of the questions that spontaneously arise in the hearts of priests who are assailed by loneliness.
Loneliness, as opposed to solitude, is the corroding feeling of emptiness, meaninglessness, lack of self worth and of being abandoned, of being out place, unwanted, unaccepted, unappreciated. When we do not have a sense of belonging, when we do not truly feel free, secure, loved, wanted, respected, accepted, appreciated, needed, we are lonely. We have a deep need to feel safe, secure, warm, comfortable, free to be ourselves, feeling secure enough to express ourselves in friendship and affection. When God said, “It is not good for man to be alone” He meant that we are by our very nature made for intimacy and communion. When Adam exclaimed: “At last flesh of my flesh; bone of my bone”, he was not referring primarily to sexual attraction, but psychological comfort, human completion, sexual complementarity, emotional connectedness, moral security, social ease and material sufficiency.
We go through life lonely, feeling alone, abandoned and searching for a home. We deeply long to find someone who will understand us, accept us as we are, appreciate us, respect us, love us. We look for someone with whom we can feel safe, secure and serene. Gradually we begin to yearn for a more personalized connectedness, where safety and security comes from the sense of being accepted, appreciated, and affectionately cared for. We face numerous problems related to relationships. We must acknowledge and accept that this deep urge for friendship, companionship, connectedness and communion is placed there by God Himself whose plan it is to build us into a community, the Body of Christ. Therefore, it is God’s will and God’s plan that we must live in intimacy. The sexual dimension of our being is precisely the gift of God for this purpose of pulling us out of our selfishness and pushing us towards other people with whom we can establish intimate companionship leading communion and community. We need to have deeper relations that go beyond our roles and functions. We need to tear off our masks and be authentic and transparent, “naked” before one another. But this by itself will not necessarily lead to intimacy. We need to choose healthy ways of expressing our need. We need to establish growth producing relationships and friendships in genuine and healthy intimacy.
“Intimacy” is a word that creates uneasiness. We know that intimacy is essential for human growth. Intimate human friendships are essential for psychological maturity. Great saints and mystics have had intimate friends. They were not afraid or ashamed of intimacy. But we feel uneasy with “Intimacy” mainly because we confuse that word with physical, genital or erotic expressions. Benedict XVI in his encyclical “Deus Caritas Est” has assured us that even “Eros” is God’s creation. But still we feel uneasy. But we need to gradually move towards Agape by means of Renunciation, Suffering, Sacrifice, Surrender and Service. For us celibate priests, intimacy means psychological and emotional closeness. Intimacy without physical or genital gratification is ennobling, enriching and empowering. Physical and genital gratification without true and selfless intimacy is degrading, diminishing and damaging. Healthy intimacy has to do with transparency and self disclosure. Ability to open oneself totally to another, letting the other into the inner sanctuary of one’s own private, personal self and receive acceptance, appreciation and respect in return.
Intimacy is the hall mark of Christian life. As Christians we are called to experience ourselves as the beloved of God and to embrace others just as we ourselves have been so intimately embraced by God. WE experience and reveal God as love only through one another. Intimacy needs inner strength that will enable us to draw closer to others, reveal ourselves to others, and commit ourselves to long term relationships, without sacrificing our own individuality or personal integrity.
As Gregory the Great says: “The pastor must be pure in thought, exemplary in actions, discrete in his silence and effective in his words. He should be close to all in his compassion. Above all he must be dedicated to contemplation. He should be the humble friend of all who do good. He should be inflexible in his opposition to all vices. He should neither neglect interior life through external preoccupations nor give up external needs through solicitude for interior good.” I think this is a very balanced and very comprehensive summing up of what I am trying to say. Our human needs, drives, impulses and instincts are legitimate. They need to be recognized, accepted and fulfilled. The human should not be sacrificed at the altar of the spiritual or the supernatural.
We must remember that celibates are also sexual. They have a real need for intimacy. This need needs to be met in an appropriate, healthy and fulfilling way. In Pastores Dabo Vobis, John Paul II says that the priest is called to be a man of communion who will build community wherever he goes. Therefore the priest himself needs to be deeply human, caring, affectionate and tender. Affective emotional and sexual maturity in priests is very important. The scandals we have heard about in the west which are also not uncommon in India are mainly due to immaturity in this area. Just because we are ordained we do not cease to be men of flesh and blood. Ordination does not take away our emotionality and our sexuality. Our instinctive impulses and our affective nature remain intact. We need to be vigilant over our body and emotions. But we should not run away from affection and tenderness. We need to be prudent in our relationships and strong enough to renounce everything that is contrary to our priestly identity. But we should not cut ourselves away from the challenges of deep human relationships.
Some of the ways in which priests can preserve their celibacy and at the same time fulfill their need for intimacy is through priestly fraternity, community companionships, healthy relationships, loving service, caring for the wounded, spiritual direction, priestly asceticism, readiness to make sacrifices and especially the sacrament of penance. Self knowledge, self acceptance and self gift are three important aspects of priestly celibacy and celibate intimacy. Acknowledging, accepting and expressing healthy emotions in human relationships are very important helps to emotional maturity.
When such a maturity is absent then problems like alcoholism, sexual irresponsibility, loneliness etc arise. We have to own up our need for intimacy and find healthy ways of meeting that need within the parameters of our celibacy. Let there be friendship! Let there be intimacy! Keep everything within the limits of celibacy! Exercise self discipline. Respect boundaries. Make sacrifices. Celibacy does not mean that we must kill our emotions. If we become cold and unfeeling ice boxes we cannot witness to the truth that God is love. On the contrary, if we are warm, tender and affectionate, we become eloquent witnesses to the power of God’s love which transforms life.
Let me quote Pope John Paul II once again: “In our times we need heralds of the Gospel who are experts in humanity, profoundly knowing the hearts of modern men and women, priest who share their joys and sorrows, hopes and fears with them and at the same time are contemplatives who are in love with God.” I think the great Pope has addressed already the question of spirituality for a priest that will help him live his celibacy faithfully while satisfying his need for intimacy constructively. So let us then go to the third and the last point of this paper.
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